


How to Twist a Family

by SpaceVinci



Category: Original Work, Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Also Virgil is Ethan and Thomas is Tommy but they're only mentioned off-stage, Also none of the relationships are super healthy honestly, Angst, Cheating, Divorce, Emotional Manipulation, Implied/Referenced Sex, Janus is Janet (she/her), Logan is Barry (he/him), Multi, Past Abuse, Patton is Patty (she/her), Police Brutality, Remus is Wren (they/them), Roman is Ramona (she/her), Screenplay/Script Format, This was written as an AU so note that the character names are as follows:, Unsympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Unsympathetic Morality | Patton Sanders, Unsympathetic Sides (Sanders Sides)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:14:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 16,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27826612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpaceVinci/pseuds/SpaceVinci
Summary: It's been a year since Janet's and Patty's divorce, and they've decided to be civil about it. Just kidding! No one communicates, everyone gets caught in the crossfires, and everyone is the worse for it. Written for my Playwriting II class, hence the play format and alternative names.
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 12
Kudos: 9





	1. SCENE 1 - Returning

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. This isn't quite done being edited yet, so any suggestions are welcome. (I have until the 10th to turn in the final version, but I can still edit after that because it's my work and who cares.)  
> 2\. Because this was written for class, I have changed all of the names. I couldn't get away with blatantly writing fanfiction. Also, as this wasn;t written technically as fanfiction, the fact that Remus and Roman (here Wren and Ramona) are twins is treated as a reveal. I understand that this doesn't really hold up if you already know the characters.  
> 3\. Fanart etc. welcome, I will scream and love you forever.

_(A dingy and small apartment. The set for this should be simple and easy to move, consisting of something like a set wall with peeling wallpaper and/or exposed piping, patchy bean bag chairs, and assorted clutter. The set should also include a door SR._

_We hear the sound of keys jangling, and then see two people enter through the door. The first is WREN. They are in their late 20s and have brightly colored hair that looks like it was cut at home, and their clothing and makeup is best described as “grunge.” They enter the apartment twirling their keys on the fingers of one hand and dramatically pushing the door open with the other hand._

_Following them is Janet. She is in her early 30s, with a short and neatly trimmed haircut, and wears an ill-fitting old band T-shirt tucked into a pair of jeans.)_

**WREN:** Home sweet home.

**JANET:** (unimpressed) This place is a dump.

_(Wren snorts, plops down onto a bean bag chair, and kicks off their shoes.)_

**WREN:** Dude, what’s this magical world you live in where we get a nice apartment?

**JANET:** Touché.

_(Janet begins to slowly walk through the apartment. Her posture is straight and confident, in sharp contrast with the way Wren slumps in the chair. As she walks, she looks over the room with a calculating eye.)_

**JANET:** How’s the neighborhood?

_(Wren positions their keys so that the teeth stick out between their fingers. They hold up their hand so that Janet can see it but make no other effort to get up or turn to face Janet.)_

**WREN:** Wolverine style, baby.

**JANET:** Ugh.

**WREN:** Threw a rager two weeks ago, took the cops a whole 24 hours to get on my ass about the noise complaints.

_(At this point, Janet has made it back to where Wren is sitting. She leans down and pulls out a crushed red Solo cup from behind one of the bean bag chairs.)_

**JANET:** (wrinkling her nose) Lovely.

_(She tosses the cup to Wren, who starts tossing it back and forth from one hand to the other.)_

**WREN:** (shrugging) Thought you were all ACAB or whatever. Whadda you care?

**JANET:** Nothing. I don’t. It doesn’t matter.

_(Wren sighs and stuffs the Solo cup back behind their chair, ignoring the dirty look this earns them from Janet.)_

**WREN:** God, you’re not still on this, are you?

_(Janet turns away from Wren and pretends to examine the wall.)_

**JANET:** I have no idea what you’re talking about.

**WREN:** You know, for a lawyer, you suck at lying.

**JANET:** (icily) _Disbarred_ lawyer.

**WREN:** Whatever. You’re avoiding the question.

**JANET:** Does the lease allow for new wallpaper? Or should we get peel and stick?

**WREN:** Don’t do this, Janny, you know I fucking hate it when you do this.

**JANET:** Because if we’re allowed to tear this down, I’d like to do it before getting an area rug.

**WREN:** (sighing, and then putting on a sickly-sweet voice) So it’s all nice and domestic for the boys?

**JANET:** (not turning around) Wren, I don’t recall this being any of your goddamn business.

**WREN:** Fine. Live your life, I don’t give a shit.

_(Wren digs their phone out of their pocket and slouches down further into the bean bag chair. After a beat, Janet sighs.)_

**JANET:** (turning to face Wren) I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that. I’m sorry.

**WREN:** (not looking up) No, you’re not.

**JANET:** Not really, no.

**WREN:** Cool. Wanna get a pizza or something?

**JANET:** You told me on the way over here you planned on passing out as soon as we got back.

**WREN:** (shrugging) Yeah. But I only got one mattress. (throwing a wink at Janet) And I like to take a girl out to dinner first.

**JANET:** Wren.

**WREN:** What? If Patty’s gonna go and dump your ass, I’m shooting my shot.

_(Janet sits down carefully on the bean bag chair next to Wren, rolling her eyes.)_

**JANET:** Ha. Ha.

**WREN:** Oh, come on. You’re hot when you’re angry -- (reaching over to playfully tug at Janet’s shirt) -- and I like seeing you in my clothes.

**JANET:** (smiling) Fine. Pizza sounds good.

**WREN:** Cool. I gotta take a whizz before we head out.

_(Wren gets up and exits SL, presumably toward the bathroom. They leave their phone on the bean bag. Janet waits a beat to make sure that Wren is gone, and then picks up the phone and taps on it a few times before raising it to her ear._

_DSL, a spotlight comes up on Barry. He is in his 30s and dressed in a button down and slacks with a tie. His posture is impeccable. The sound of a phone ringing is heard, and he reaches into his pocket and produces his phone, which he puts to his ear.)_

**BARRY:** (cautiously) Wren?

**JANET:** Guess again.

**BARRY:** Ah. I should have known.

**JANET:** I’ve been out for less than 48 hours. Why on earth should you have known?

**BARRY:** Because you’ve called me three times over the past day or so, and because Wren hasn’t called me in over a year.

**JANET:** So, you _have_ been getting my calls.

**BARRY:** I should go.

**JANET:** Wait, Barry, please.

**BARRY:** (sighing) What do you want, Janet?

**JANET:** I just want to know how Ethan’s doing. He’s in your class this year, isn’t he?

**BARRY:** Why do you know that?

**JANET:** Is he keeping up all right? I haven’t been around to help him with his homework, so --

**PATTY:** (from off stage) Barry! I need your height!

**JANET:** Wait. Are you at our _house_?

**BARRY:** Patty’s house. I don’t believe it’s yours any longer.

**JANET:** (hissing through her teeth so Wren won’t hear her yelling) Why the fuck are you at our house? Is this why you’ve been ignoring my calls?

**BARRY:** Goodbye, Janet.

**JANET:** You son of a bitch, don’t you dare --

_(The line goes dead, and the lights go down on Barry. Wren enters again from SL, and Janet quickly shoves their phone back onto the bean bag chair before they notice she was using it.)_

**WREN:** I lied! It was a shit, and I shoulda brought my phone.

**JANET:** (dryly) Thank you for sharing. I definitely needed that information.

_(Wren grabs their phone off the chair and looks at the screen.)_

**WREN:** (frowning) That’s weird. Coulda sworn I left this thing locked.

**JANET:** You must not have.

**WREN:** Yeah… guess not.

_(Wren’s phone buzzes in their hand, and their frown deepens. They tap their phone and put it up to their ear. DSL, the spotlight goes back up on Barry.)_

**WREN:** Butt dial or booty call, dude? ‘Cause I know you’re not calling to reconcile.

**BARRY:** Technically, you called me first.

**WREN:** What the fuck do you mean I called you first?

_(They shoot a look at Janet, who is “examining” the wallpaper again.)_

**BARRY:** Never mind. Ramona has a play coming up, and I was wondering if --

**WREN:** Tell me something real quick. I haven’t talked to you in how long?

**BARRY:** (beat, then resigned) Over a year.

**WREN:** Uh huh. And that was because…?

**BARRY:** Because of the ultimatum.

**WREN:** (overly sweet) Very good, Berry-bear! Now, what in the goddamn fuck makes you think I’ve talked to _her_ since then –-

**BARRY:** She’s your –-

**WREN:** \--no shut up, I don’t care! Contrary to popular belief, I have, like, an ounce of moral standards.

**BARRY:** (coldly) Yes, that’s certainly news to me.

**WREN:** Oh, go to hell.

_(Wren angrily turns off their phone and turns to Janet. Lights down on Barry.)_

**WREN:** Change of plans. We’re going grocery shopping.

**JANET:** (raising an eyebrow) Don’t tell me you’ve actually started eating vegetables since I left.

**WREN:** (stalking over to the door) Fuck no. They got an alcohol section, and I’m out of tequila. And if that bastard’s gonna try to reinsert himself into my life -– (yanking open door dramatically)

\-- then I think I deserve some tequila.

_(Wren slams the door, leaving Janet standing in the apartment alone. After a beat, Janet sighs and follows._

_End scene.)_


	2. SCENE 2 - Cooking Trials

_(The living room of an upper-middle class suburban house. Barry stands in the middle of the room with a phone to his ear. He sighs and slowly lowers the phone, then stares at the screen for a moment, at a loss._

_RAMONA, late 20s, enters the room. It is obvious by her appearance that she was a theatre kid in high school, and that the only thing differentiating her from a “theatre kid” now is that she’s an adult.)_

**RAMONA:** Hey-o, nerd. You done making calls?

_(Barry quickly puts his phone away and turns to face Ramona.)_

**BARRY:** Ah, Ramona. Yes.

**RAMONA:** (squinting) Hey, quick tip. If you didn’t act so sus, I’d just assume you were doing boring business stuff.

**BARRY:** (carefully neutral) I was.

**RAMONA:** For the record? I don’t believe you, but also, I don’t care, so. Whatever.

_(Ramona walks past Barry to plop down on the couch. After a beat, Barry sits down next to her.)_

**BARRY:** Is Patty done with dinner?

**RAMONA:** Nah. But Ethan and Tommy are in there helping her now, and I needed a break. Like, don’t get me wrong, I love the little tykes, but Tommy’s, like, the definition of rambunctious, and watching Ethan go through his emo phase is bringing back _way_ too many memories of, uh.

_(Ramona stops suddenly and shrugs.)_

**RAMONA:** Just, like, 13-year-olds, ya know? I don’t know how you stand it.

**BARRY:** I’ve found there’s surprisingly little room for being “emo” in basic algebra.

**RAMONA:** You and I _obviously_ had very different middle school experiences. For example -- (leaning over to flick Barry playfully) -- I actually had friends.

_(PATTY, early 30s, enters, smiling sheepishly. She is a short black woman wearing bright, cheerful colors and a floral apron, as well as oven mitts she is in the process of removing.)_

**PATTY:** I, ah… burnt the dough a bit.

**RAMONA:** Ah, no worries. It’s pizza. Slather enough cheese and sauce on anything and it’ll still taste good.

**PATTY:** (shaking head) No, I’m starting over.

**RAMONA:** You really don’t have to --

**PATTY:** It’s too late, I already threw it out. But, ah, if one of you wouldn’t mind going to the market to grab some more eggs? I thought I had an extra dozen, but if I did, the fridge ate it.

_(Ramona and Barry look at each other. After a beat, Ramona shrugs.)_

**RAMONA:** Yeah, sure, I’ll go. I need to do some grocery shopping anyway, I’m not gonna have time tomorrow.

**BARRY:** Do you have an audition?

**PATTY:** She isn’t even done with _either_ of the plays she’s doing now.

**BARRY:** I fail to see your point.

**RAMONA:** (standing up) Nope. No audition. Trying out a new therapist.

**PATTY:** Oh! Well, good luck, and let me know how it goes.

**RAMONA:** Sure thing.

_(Ramona hugs Patty, and then makes a show of dusting flour off of herself before exiting._

_Patty takes a deep breath and sits down next to Barry, who looks at her skeptically.)_

**BARRY:** Should the boys be left alone in the kitchen?

**PATTY:** Oh, they’re fine. Trust me, if anything goes wrong, Tommy will let us know. Probably by screaming. He might do that even if nothing’s wrong, actually.

**BARRY:** How old is he now?

**PATTY:** Just turned eight. Gosh, seems like only yesterday he was a toddler, doesn’t it?

**BARRY:** (non-committal) Mm.

**PATTY:** (smiling softly) You know even back then, he always wanted to help me make pizza? And I was so worried he was going to hurt himself – gosh, _I_ was worried, I mean, Ethan was practically standing on him anytime he was even _near_ the kitchen – but then Janet said -- (smile falters) Well. We both know she didn’t really care if stuff was dangerous.

**BARRY:** That’s not quite true.

**PATTY:** Tell that to Officer What’s-His-Name.

**BARRY:** Yes, well. (a beat) She’s out. As of early this week.

**PATTY:** (a beat of silence, then flatly, avoiding eye contact) I know.

**BARRY:** She’s been attempting to contact me. I believe part of it may be inquiring about job opportunities, but she also --

_(The second he mentions the attempted contact, Patty’s head snaps up to look at Barry.)_

**PATTY:** (snapping) Well you didn’t _answer_ , did you?!

_(Barry blinks, taken aback – but not necessarily surprised, per say - by the sudden vehemence in Patty’s tone. He stares at Patty for a beat before answering.)_

**BARRY:** (carefully emotionless) No. Of course not.

**PATTY:** Good. I told you, you can’t -- (catching herself) I mean, I’d rather you didn’t talk to her. Or, you know.

**BARRY:** (still holding back any emotion) Not if I want to be allowed to talk to you.

**PATTY:** Lord, you make me sound like some kind of dictator.

**BARRY:** (hesitates, then carefully) Perhaps we should change the subject.

**PATTY:** I’m sorry. It’s just… look, you were there. You’d know better than me. I just don’t feel safe with her acting so… rash.

**BARRY:** I was at the protest. I wasn’t at the trial.

**PATTY:** You’re right, let’s change the subject.

**BARRY:** Patty, when are you going to talk about this? It’s been over a year.

**PATTY:** (stands up abruptly) Maybe never, okay? Maybe I never want to talk about this! Maybe I just want to move on with my life, and not have to look at her or think about her ever again!

_(A beat of silence. Barry holds Patty’s gaze but doesn’t give any indication as to how he feels about this outburst. After the beat, Patty sighs and sits back down.)_

**PATTY:** I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap like that. It’s just… it’s hard. It’s been hard. And I really would like to talk about something else.

**BARRY:** She’s going to want to see the kids.

**PATTY:** (folding her arms) Well, tough luck. If she wanted visitation rights, she should have thought of that before she --

**BARRY:** (softly) I’m not trying to pick an argument, Patty.

**PATTY:** Then why are we still talking about this?

**BARRY:** I… suppose your reminiscing may have rubbed off on me.

**PATTY:** This isn’t reminiscing, Barry, this is… I mean, reminiscing is, like, remembering the happy times. Nostalgia. Getting all teary-eyed over silly things.

**BARRY:** Fine, then. Would you like to talk about the happy times? Back when Janet and Wren were still allowed to --

**PATTY:** Okay, look, Wren is _allowed_ to do whatever they want. I don’t have a restraining order out or anything, they can still – I just – I don’t want – is that what this is about, Barry? Is this about Wren?

**BARRY:** What do you mean?

**PATTY:** It’s been a year, hon, you said you were over them.

**BARRY:** I am. I am over them. We weren’t – we didn’t even really date. It was mostly just sex.

**PATTY:** Barry!

**BARRY:** What? It’s true.

**PATTY:** Well that’s – well now I don’t even know why you’re making this about them.

**BARRY:** I’m not --

**PATTY:** (throwing hands up in the air) I mean, good riddance! Right? Someone like that, making those sorts of decisions, I don’t know why I ever let them around the kids in the first place. I mean, look what happened to Ethan. Wearing all that black and making all those dark jokes, and – and – and the sort of politics he comes home from school with, like you wouldn’t believe!

**BARRY:** Patty --

**PATTY:** (getting up to pace) I mean, I always wondered what you even saw in them. Thinking they could talk their way out of anything, and – and making all those jokes that just – ugh! Just a mistake waiting to happen, that’s what all my friends said about her, but no, I wouldn’t listen to them, I was so sure --

**BARRY:** (standing) Patty!

_(Patty stops pacing and whirls around to face Barry. She is obviously distressed. Barry hesitates for a second, and then pulls Patty into a hug.)_

**BARRY:** I’m – I’m sorry for bringing it up. I didn’t mean to upset you.

**PATTY:** No, no, I… you’re right. I should – I should talk about this stuff. Eventually. But… not right now? Please?

_(A crash is heard off-stage, followed by some metallic clattering.)_

**OFF-STAGE CHILD:** MOOOOOM?!

_(Patty steps away from the hug and sighs.)_

**PATTY:** Definitely not right now. I gotta go make sure they didn’t break anything.

_(Patty exits. As she does so, Barry makes a motion like he wants to call her back to say one last thing but stops himself at the last second._

_Barry sits back down, buries his head in his hands, and sighs._ _End scene.)_


	3. SCENE 3 - Shopping

_(A grocery store. Janet stands in front of a shelf of snacks, alternately scanning the shelves and checking her phone with a bored expression._

_Ramona comes around the corner, holding a shopping basket with eggs and whistling. When she sees Janet, she stops dead in her tracks.)_

**RAMONA:** (shocked) Janet? Is that you?

**JANET:** Ramona! Well, fancy seeing you here. Isn’t this a little bit out of your way?

**RAMONA:** Eh, traffic was weird. Easier to swing by here. Are you, uh, living nearby?

**JANET:** Oh, near enough.

**RAMONA:** That’s nice.

_(An awkward pause. Ramona shifts uncomfortably.)_

**RAMONA:** Look, I… probably shouldn’t be talking to you.

**JANET:** (feigning confusion) Why not?

**RAMONA:** You know, Patty’s whole… thing. Wren didn’t tell you?

**JANET:** Hm? Oh, I haven’t talked to Wren yet. How are they?

**RAMONA:** (wincing) Right. Uh, yeesh. So, Patty kinda, like, flipped out after your trial. She basically told everyone we could either be friends with her or with you, but not both? And, uh, you remember how Wren is.

**JANET:** Enough to imagine the sort of names they’d have called Patty.

**RAMONA:** Yeah. Anyway, we haven’t talked since.

**JANET:** And you shouldn’t be talking to me because… you chose Patty?

**RAMONA:** Look, I – I don’t know, man. You were gone, and I figured she’d calm down by the time you got out, and so I – look, it’s complicated, okay?

**JANET:** Ramona…

_(Janet walks up to Ramona and gently places a hand on her arm. Ramona flinches, but doesn’t pull away.)_

**JANET:** Patty isn’t your mother.

**RAMONA:** (snorting) I mean, obviously. If she was my mother, I wouldn’t still talk to her.

**JANET:** (gently) Is it so bad that I want to talk to a friend after over a year of being away?

**RAMONA:** God, you make it sound like you were on vacation or something. (lowering her voice) You went to _jail_ , Jan.

_(Janet draws back her hand and scowls.)_

**JANET:** Yes, thank you, Ramona. I missed your excellent ability to point things out _ever_ so much.

**RAMONA:** Hey, look --

**JANET:** (changing quickly to a playful demeanor) Oh, I’m kidding. You know I love you.

**RAMONA:** (surprised) R-right, yeah. No, yeah, obviously. I mean, not obviously that you, um. Right.

**JANET:** I missed you, you know.

**RAMONA:** (avoiding eye contact) Janet, I… I have to go. I was supposed to get these eggs for Patty, I just stopped by here to grab myself a snack or something --

**JANET:** The peppermint bars are on sale.

**RAMONA:** The…? Oh. (quietly) You remembered.

**JANET:** Of course. I like them too. So… eggs for Patty?

_(Ramona goes over to grab the peppermint bars and place them in her basket. It takes her a little longer than it probably should, mostly because she is gesticulating a lot as she speaks.)_

**RAMONA:** Yeah, Barry and I are having pizza over at her place. It’s like a once-a-week thing, she’s super insistent on it.

**JANET:** I’ll bet.

**RAMONA:** And for a while, after Barry and Wren broke up – oh, right, uh, that whole relationship kinda – ya know – but anyway, she kept, like, asking is Barry wanted to bring a date over? I dunno if she was just trying to speak it into existence or _what_.

**JANET:** Manifesting, I hear you.

**RAMONA:** Right, and eventually I was just like, ‘hey Patty, why aren’t you badgering me about _my_ love life,’ and lemme tell ya, _big_ mistake, because now she –-

_(Ramona finishes putting the snacks in her basket and turns around to see Janet nodding along companionably.)_

**RAMONA:** \-- she, uh. I… maybe shouldn’t be telling you all this.

**JANET:** (sighing) Because Patty wouldn’t want it, right.

**RAMONA:** No, come on, not just that. It’s gotta be weird for you hearing me go on about your ex-wife.

**JANET:** I was more focused on the part where you were telling me about your life, actually.

**RAMONA:** (not expecting this) Oh.

**JANET:** If you really don’t want to see me… I understand. Patty can be a bit, oh, shall we say overbearing? I know as well as anyone that sacrifices have to be made to maintain a relationship with her.

_(Janet turns away from Ramona and rubs the back of her neck. She is making a show of being understanding and slightly embarrassed.)_

**JANET:** I just – well, I wanted to ask you something, but I… I guess I shouldn’t.

**RAMONA:** Oh, come on. You can’t just put that out there and then not tell me what it is.

**JANET:** No, really, it doesn’t matter.

**RAMONA:** You know, for a lawyer, you suck at lying.

**JANET:** (turning back to Ramona with a slight smile) So people keep telling me.

**RAMONA:** Come on. Out with it.

**JANET:** Well, I… I had a lot of time to think. When I was away.

**RAMONA:** In jail.

_(Janet instinctively looks around to see if there are any other shoppers that might have heard them. There are not.)_

**JANET:** Yes, fine, in jail. And, well. Ramona, do you ever feel like you spent your energy on the wrong person? Doing all the wrong things because you thought it was right?

**RAMONA:** (slightly bitter) Do I ever.

**JANET:** I got to thinking, maybe… oh, I don’t know how to say this.

**RAMONA:** (joking) Wait, don’t tell me. You’ve finally decided you’re madly in love with me.

**JANET:** I was going less for ‘madly in love’ and more for ‘decidedly interested,’ but I like your dramatic phrasing.

**RAMONA:** Wait, what?

**JANET:** Am I coming on too strong?

**RAMONA:** No! I mean, I just – where did this even – you – when did – why would you, I mean, not that I – I… don’t know what to say?

**JANET:** (smiling) You’re cute when you’re flustered.

**RAMONA:** I – I really need to go. But, um. Hang on a sec.

_(Ramona sets down her basket and digs a scrap of paper and a pen out of her pocket. She jots something down and hands the paper to Janet.)_

**RAMONA:** I got a new phone. You can call? If you want? And… I have a performance coming up soon, so. Ya know. If you wanted.

**JANET:** I’d like that.

_(Ramona grins awkwardly, then grabs her basket and jogs off-stage, presumably toward checkout. Janet watches her leave with a soft smile that turns into a smirk as soon as Ramona is out of sight._

_After a beat, Wren rounds the corner, humming The Champ’s “Tequila” to themselves. They are holding as many tequila bottles as they can reasonably carry without using a handbasket.)_

**WREN:** We are fucking _stocked_ , baby! For at _least_ a week!

**JANET:** Impeccable timing as always, Wren.

**WREN:** (seeing Janet) Eh, maybe a couple days. Forgot I wasn’t drinking this all by myself. Whatever, I’mma go checkout.

**JANET:** Not so fast. We’re grabbing you some carbs first. I am _not_ having drunk sex with you.

**WREN:** You’re actually agreeing to that?

**JANET:** (winking) Sure. Who else do I have?

**WREN:** (grinning) Winning my default, huh? I’ll fucking take it. (turning to the shelf) Fine, yeah, what are you thinking?

**JANET:** Literally anything but those awful peppermint bars.

(End scene.)


	4. SCENE 4 - Catching Up

_(Patty’s living room. Ramona sits on the couch with her feet propped up on the table in front of her, scrolling through her phone, while Patty putters around the room cleaning.)_

**PATTY:** (in the middle of rambling) -- and sure, he’s always been rowdy, but I feel like it’s gotten worse recently? Anyway, I’ve got a doctor’s appointment scheduled for him. They’re checking to see if he’s got ADHD, or ADD – I can never remember what the difference between them is – but the problem is that I didn’t want him missing any more school, so I scheduled – Ramona, hon, coming through, move your feet please – I scheduled it for the day of teacher in-service so there wouldn’t be school anyway, but now I don’t know what to do about Ethan, so--

_(Ramona laughs at something on her phone, and Patty pauses.)_

**PATTY:** Ramona? Did you hear anything I just said?

**RAMONA:** (typing something and not looking up) Huh? Oh, yeah, totally.

**PATTY:** Who are you texting?

_(Patty moves to stand behind the couch to look over Ramona’s shoulder, but Ramona snatches her phone away before Patty can see the screen.)_

**RAMONA:** Nothing, no one!

_(Patty props her elbows up on the back of the couch and rests her cheeks in her hands, giving Ramona an enormous grin.)_

**PATTY:** Oh? Is this a _special_ no one?

**RAMONA:** Yes. No. Maybe. Are you gonna make a huge deal out of it if it is?

**PATTY:** (squealing) Oh my gosh, Ramona!

_(Patty dashes around the side of the couch to sit next to Ramona, bouncing expectantly.)_

**PATTY:** Who is it? What are they like? Tell me everything!

**RAMONA:** See this, this counts as “making a huge deal.” (seeing Patty isn’t going to let it go and sighing) Okay, fine. We, uh… we met a couple months ago.

**PATTY:** Where was it? Was it love at first sight? Did you --

**RAMONA:** Jesus, Patty, I’m getting there.

**PATTY:** Sorry, sorry! I don’t get any juicy stories out of Barry, I just got excited!

**RAMONA:** It was at the grocery store. Uh, not the one down the block, it was the one over on Park. And…

_(Ramona hesitates, trying to get her story straight.)_

**RAMONA:** She was new to the area. So, we got chatting while I was picking up some snacks. I, uh, gave her my number, and, ya know, one thing led to another --

**PATTY:** What’s her name?

_(Ramona’s eyes go wide in a brief second of panic, but she quickly composes herself.)_

**RAMONA:** …Jane. Her name is Jane.

**PATTY:** Can I meet her?

**RAMONA:** (a little too quickly) No!

_(Patty blinks, taken aback, and Ramona hastily continues.)_

**RAMONA:** I mean, she’s really shy. She doesn’t like meeting new people. I don’t even know why she talked to me in the grocery store, maybe it was that love at first sight thing you said or whatever, but she doesn’t really --

**PATTY:** (softly) Hey, Ramona. It’s okay. I get it if you don’t want to introduce me yet.

**RAMONA:** No, really, it’s just --

**PATTY:** But you know I’m not gonna freak out, right? I mean, not in a bad way, anyway.

**RAMONA:** (muttering) You say that _now_.

**PATTY:** (placing a hand on Ramona’s arm) I mean it. Really. If Jane makes you happy, then that’s all that matters, and I’m happy for you. I know you don’t have the best history with, uh… bringing home dates, so if you’re not comfortable --

**RAMONA:** Oh! Oh, god, Patty, no, this has nothing to do with that.

**PATTY:** Are you sure? Because --

**RAMONA:** Look, my mother’s a crazy bitch, and her stupid bullshit about all my old girlfriends is, like, definitely a talking point for all the poor shmucks that gotta listen to my life story, but this isn’t – I mean, come on, it’s not like you’re gonna call me a godless dyke and kick me out of the house.

**PATTY:** (chuckling) That _would_ be pretty hypocritical of me.

**RAMONA:** (not really listening) You’re not gonna, like, tell me if I’m gonna be the “evil twin” I gotta go live with my sorry fucking excuse for a dad, or whatever.

**PATTY:** Ramona?

**RAMONA:** (shrugging off Patty’s hand) God, who fucking does that? Who actually thinks there’s a “good twin” and an “evil twin”? Like, if you wanna split up twins just pull a J.K. Rowling you evil-step-mother-wannabe-asshole! Just fucking kill me instead of making everything some weird stupid competition where everything is about you and you don’t even --

**PATTY:** Are you still seeing that therapist you told me about?

**RAMONA:** What?

**PATTY:** It’s just, well. (wincing) You usually don’t like to talk about this stuff.

**RAMONA:** (purposefully not looking at Patty) Oh. Uh, no. We, um, had kind of a disagreement. About… Jane.

**PATTY:** Really?

**RAMONA:** Yeah, so. Whatever. I’ve been doing a lot better recently, so it doesn’t actually matter.

**PATTY:** Um. That whole thing about ‘separating twins…’

**RAMONA:** I’m sorry, Patty, I really didn’t mean to go off like that.

**PATTY:** Do you want to talk about it?

**RAMONA:** Not really.

_(Ramona glances at her phone, smiles, and shakes her head.)_

**RAMONA:** Yeesh, sorry. Didn’t mean to turn this into the Ramona Being a Sad Sack Variety Hour. What were you talking about before? Something about Tommy?

_(Patty gets up and resumes tidying up around the room. This mostly involves straightening out pieces of furniture or decorations and such that already look pretty straightened out. The room is already pretty clean, and Patty seems to be puttering just for something to do with her hands.)_

**PATTY:** Oh, I just need a babysitter, that’s all. I don’t suppose you’re free on Tuesday?

**RAMONA:** For Tommy? Depends what time, I might have rehearsal. Tech week and all that.

**PATTY:** No, Tommy’s the one getting the appointment. Ethan’s the one who needs a babys:itter.

**RAMONA:** He’s gonna be 14 in like a month, Pat, he doesn’t need a babysitter.

**PATTY:** Well no, not _technically_ , but I’d just feel better if there was someone in the house, you know? In case he needs something.

**RAMONA:** He knows how to use the phone.

**PATTY:** (subtly guilt-tripping) I get it if you don’t want to. I just thought I would ask you while you were here. I’d so much rather it was someone I know and trust than a random babysitter.

**RAMONA:** Patty…

**PATTY:** No, no, it’s fine. I’ll figure something out.

**RAMONA:** (sighing) What time?

**PATTY:** Two in the afternoon.

**RAMONA:** Oh.

**PATTY:** You can’t do it, can you?

**RAMONA:** No no no, it’s fine, I can do it. Just might have to reschedule something, that’s all.

**PATTY:** (brightening) Oh, really? Thank you so much!

**RAMONA:** Yeah, yeah. You’re paying me in cookies at some point though.

**PATTY:** Well, of course.

_(Patty beams at Ramona. Ramona isn’t looking at her, but instead staring at her phone screen, chewing her lip.)_

**PATTY:** Hey, Ramona?

**RAMONA:** (glancing up) Yeah?

**PATTY:** (still smiling) Tell Jane I say ‘hi.’

**RAMONA:** (forcing a smile) …yeah.

_(End scene.)_


	5. SCENE 5 - Scheduling

_(The stage is split with one set on one side and one set on the other. On SR is the grocery store. Ramona paces in front of the shelves with her phone pressed to her ear._

_On SL is the apartment. A mattress is placed haphazardly in the middle of the room, and on it sits Janet, wearing an oversized T-shirt and surveying the room again with mild distaste._

_Janet’s phone rings, and she picks it up and puts it to her ear.)_

**JANET:** Hello?

**RAMONA:** (stops pacing) Uh, hey, Jan! It’s me.

**JANET:** I know. I’ve got your contact number saved in my phone, hon.

**RAMONA:** Oh. Right. Look, I might have to reschedule our date on Tuesday?

**JANET:** Why’s that?

**RAMONA:** Um, something… came up.

**WREN:** (yelling from off stage) Yo, Janny? How expired is ‘too expired’?

**RAMONA:** Who’s that?

**JANET:** (startled) You can hear that?

**RAMONA:** Not, like, clearly. Can’t make out the voice, just muffled noises.

**JANET:** (visibly relaxing) Oh. Just my roommate.

**WREN:** Like, it tastes grody, but will it kill me? **RAMONA:** Carla, right?

**JANET:** Hm?

**WREN:** I’m just gonna drink it anyway, wish me luck! **RAMONA:** That’s what you said your roommate’s name was, didn’t you?

**JANET:** Sorry, would you give me a second? (covering phone and yelling back) You’re a menace to society, and I’m on the phone!

**WREN:** Aw, love you too, babe!

**RAMONA:** Is everything okay

**JANET:** (back on phone) Yes, sorry. I found her on Craigslist, I don’t know what I was expecting. What were we talking about?

**RAMONA:** Tuesday.

**JANET:** Oh, right. Look, honey, you know Tuesdays are the only time our schedules line up. I’m back in retail and you’re off becoming famous.

**RAMONA:** (bashful) It’s a community theatre production, Jan, it’s hardly _fame_.

**JANET:** Oh, nonsense, you’re selling yourself short.

**RAMONA:** You’re, um, still coming to see it next weekend, right?

**JANET:** Of course. Look, whatever the scheduling SNAFU is, I’m sure you can work it out.

_(Ramona picks up something at random from the shelf and starts scanning the back.)_

**RAMONA:** (wincing) I really can’t, Janet. I promised I’d do this.

**JANET:** Oh? And what is ‘this,’ exactly?

**RAMONA:** Uh… babysitting.

_(Loud rock music starts blaring from off-stage, drowning out the end of Ramona’s sentence.)_

**JANET:** (yelling off stage) What about ‘on the phone’ do you not understand? I know you have headphones!

_(The music stops as abruptly as it started.)_

**JANET:** Sorry, hon. One more time?

**RAMONA:** I said ‘babysitting.’

**JANET:** (standing up and stretching) Really? Not the side hustle I’d have expected from you.

**RAMONA:** It’s… not really a – look, it’s for Patty, okay?

_(Janet freezes mid-stretch. A beat.)_

**RAMONA:** Janet? You still there?

_(Janet slowly lowers her arm, closes her eyes, and takes a steady breath.)_

**JANET:** (lightly) Hm? Sorry, you cut out for a second there.

**RAMONA:** It’s for Patty. I’m babysitting for Patty.

**JANET:** Ah. She still comes first, I see.

**RAMONA:** (beginning to pace) No, it’s not like that! Look, it’s just that Tommy’s apparently got a doctor’s appointment or something and Patty doesn’t want Ethan alone in the house for some reason, and I… I kinda agreed to babysit, but it’s at the same time as we usually have our date, so I have to reschedule.

**JANET:** Why do you have to reschedule?

**RAMONA:** I told you, I have to --

**JANET:** (carefully casually) No, yes, I heard you. But why can’t we just… modify the date?

_(Ramona stops pacing and frowns.)_

**RAMONA:** You said you couldn’t do another time.

**JANET:** Come on, love, use that beautiful brain of yours.

**RAMONA:** (after a beat) Wait. No. Oh, come on, Janet, you cannot be serious.

**JANET:** Well, why not? I think it would be wonderful. I haven’t seen him in so long, and is it so much to ask that I -- (catching herself) I mean, wouldn’t it be nice to spend some quality time together? The three of us?

**RAMONA:** I – I don’t think that’s such a good idea.

**JANET:** Why not? I’m his _mother_.

**RAMONA:** (wincing again) Look, it’s – oh god, Janet, where do I even start?

_(A beat. Janet says nothing. Ramona lets out a long breath.)_

**RAMONA:** Okay. Okay, okay, look, it’s – it’s not that simple, okay? Stuff got weird after you left.

**JANET:** Weird how?

_(The more agitated Ramona gets, the more she gesticulates with the hand that isn’t holding the phone.)_

**RAMONA:** He – he started getting in trouble in school. I don’t really know all the details, but I’m pretty sure Patty thought it was your fault.

**JANET:** (annoyed) How would it be my fault? I wasn’t even there.

**RAMONA:** He might have said something like ‘Fuck the police’ in the middle of class?

**JANET:** (suppressing a smile) That’s not my fault. That’s just an accurate observation on the current state of society.

_(Ramona lowers her voice and holds the phone closer, suddenly remembering that she is in public.)_

**RAMONA:** Sure, fine. But let’s remember that out of his two moms, one of them bakes cookies for all the local suburban white mothers, and one of them went to jail for assaulting a police officer. Can you see why maybe Patty’s first instinct was to blame you for the outbursts?

**JANET:** I don’t see what this has to do with why I can’t see him.

**RAMONA:** Jesus, Janet, do I have to – look, you _know_ what Patty’s like. What do you think she told him to make him stop? (a beat of silence) This is the kid that used to be scared of his own shadow. Patty sits him down and explains what a ‘dangerous radical’ is, and what do you think his takeaway is?

_(Another beat of silence. Janet has gone stock-still, eyes wide with anger.)_

**RAMONA:** (almost whispering) I don’t know if he _wants_ to see you, Janet. (a beat of silence) Janet?

**JANET:** (deadly calm) Did you know it’s not technically illegal to violate the Geneva Convention against your own citizens?

**RAMONA:** What does --

**JANET:** (beginning to pace) You can gas your own fucking citizens. Did you know that?

**RAMONA:** I --

**JANET:** Do you know why Barry never saw exactly what happened? It’s because it wasn’t until someone poured fucking _milk_ into his eyes that he could finally see again. It’s because while I was being a ‘dangerous radical,’ Barry _could not breathe_.

**RAMONA:** Janet, I’m not --

**JANET:** They tear gassed the crowd, and they were about to start fucking shooting. Tell me, Ramona: (stopping the pacing) Why am I the one that went to jail?

_(This time it’s Ramona who is silent for a beat. Janet takes a shaky breath, and when she speaks again, her voice is calm and bittersweet, like her previous moment of barely contained rage never happened.)_

**JANET:** I just want to see my kid again. Is that really so much to ask? If Ethan really doesn’t want to see me, then – then I’ll leave.

**RAMONA:** Janet…

**JANET:** (bitterly) No, of course. You’d rather let Patty tear us apart because I don’t fit into her idea of perfection. That’s what a good mother does, isn’t it? Send away everything they don’t like?

**RAMONA:** (frowning) That – you know what, yeah, what the hell?

**JANET:** Is that a yes?

**RAMONA:** Jesus. She’s gonna hate this.

**JANET:** She doesn’t need to know.

**RAMONA:** (cautiously) Yeah. Yeah, I guess she doesn’t. I’ll pick you up on Tuesday, then?

**JANET:** I’ll see you then, love.

_(Ramona smiles and hangs up. The lights go down on her side of the stage. Janet looks at her phone, her expression bitter and ironic.)_

**JANET:** I’ll see you then.

_(Continue to next scene.)_


	6. SCENE 6 - Overhearing

_(Wren walks in from the other room. They are in their underwear and carrying a half-empty bottle of milk.)_

**WREN:** (casually) So. Still trying to get the kids, huh?

 **JANET:** (startled) What?

 **WREN:** Unless you got another reason to be yelling about being a mother. (grinning) Ooh, is that why you didn’t like me calling you ‘Daddy’ last night? More of a Mommy kink kinda gal?

 **JANET:** (pointing to the milk) Is that the milk you left on the counter last week?

_(Wren takes a swig, shrugging. Janet makes a disgusted face.)_

**JANET:** Lovely.

 **WREN:** (still grinning) This doesn’t do it for you? Figured milk would play right into a mommy kink.

 **JANET:** (annoyed) Just pour it down the sink before you throw it out this time.

 **WREN:** (like they didn’t hear her) Hey, man, I can make this work. I got the perfect fucked up childhood for it.

_(Wren puts the milk down on the floor and moves to stand close to Janet, draping their arms around Janet’s neck.)_

**WREN:** Have I been a bad kid, Mommy? Are you gonna send me away? Are you gonna _punish_ me?

 **JANET:** (leaning away) God, I can smell it on your breath. That’s disgusting, Wren.

 **WREN:** Ugh, you’re no fun.

_(Wren goes to grab the milk and walk back into the off-stage room.)_

**WREN:** (calling from off-stage) I’m pouring it down the sink, Mommy! Are you proud of me?

_(Janet scowls and sits down on one of the beanbag chairs.)_

**JANET:** (calling into the other room) Do _not_ call me Mommy!

 **WREN:** (walking back in) Fine. Not a mommy kink. So it _was_ about your kids.

 **JANET:** How much of my conversation did you listen in on?

 **WREN:** I didn’t listen in on jack shit. You just got loud in the middle of my tunes. Not my fault.

 **JANET:** (tersely) I’ve been trying to work out the details of visitation rights. That’s all.

 **WREN:** Oh yeah? Lawyering up, huh?

 **JANET:** (unconvincingly) Sure.

 **WREN:** (flopping onto the mattress) Jesus, Janny, at this rate Patty’s gonna get an _actual_ restraining order against you.

 **JANET:** (frowning) I’d… forgotten she doesn’t have one already, actually.

 **WREN:** Seriously? I feel like that’s the kind of thing you remember.

 **JANET:** (sarcastically) Yes, Wren, there was nothing else going on to occupy my mind at _all_.

 **WREN:** (bouncing in place) Ooh, feisty. Get over here and be a bitch a little closer, baby.

 **JANET:** (exasperated) Why are you like this?

 **WREN:** (with a shit-eating grin) Mommy issues.

 **JANET:** I don’t know why I asked.

 **WREN:** Ugh, fine, waddaya want, like, a give and take? ‘Cause I’m getting tired of all your weird secrets, but if all you want for some deets are the finer points of my hashtag Trauma --

 **JANET:** Since when do you give a shit about my personal business?

_(Wren gets up and moves over to the other beanbag chair.)_

**WREN:** Uh, duh. I’m a nosy bitch who loves drama. And I’m _bored_.

 **JANET:** (trying to stop them) I actually don’t want --

 **WREN:** (ticking off on fingers) Mom blamed all her weird fucked up shit on me, Dad was a bitch baby who deserved what he got – turns out who can get a restraining order against your own kid, did ya know that? – anyway, blah blah blah, can’t disappoint people if they don’t expect jack shit from you in the first place, eat your school, stay in drugs, and don’t do veggies. Okay, now spill.

 **JANET:** You know, this is what therapists are for? Unloading all your trauma that no one asked about? Note: therapists, _not_ roommates.

 **WREN:** Therapists are for pussies who haven’t discovered alcohol. (moving to sit cross-legged on the floor) Now _spiiiiiiiill_.

 **JANET:** I agreed to none of this.

 **WREN:** (flopping dramatically) Come _on_ , Janny! You’ve been skulking around for weeks and I’m fucking curious! You’re like – like one of those sexy Disney villains or something when they’re scheming.

 **JANET:** ‘Sexy Disney villains’?

 **WREN:** Maleficent was a MILF.

 **JANET:** I – I don’t know how to respond to that.

 **WREN:** Just get monologuing, Sugar Tits!

 **JANET:** There’s nothing to monologue about, Wren. I don’t --

 **WREN:** Oh bull _shit_

 **JANET:** \-- really, the fact that you’re even being so insistent is absolutely --

 **WREN:** Spill the fucking beans dude!

 **JANET:** (losing her cool) Fine! Patty apparently told Ethan that I am a ‘dangerous radical.’ There. Are you satisfied?

 **WREN:** I mean, like. Aren’t you?

 **JANET:** (standing) No! But apparently, standing up against police brutality falls outside the bounds of ‘acting like a respectable citizen,’ and so now my _child_ is convinced that I’m a _monster_.

 **WREN:** Dude, who the hell were you on the phone with?

 **JANET:** That is _absolutely_ not the point.

 **WREN:** Yeah, whatever, fine. So, now what? You kidnap Ethan? Wanna nab Tommy too, while you’re at it? Patty stopped letting me hang out around the kids when she found out I was the one who kept teaching Ethan swear words.

 **JANET:** (pausing) Wait. That was you? I thought he’d seen it on TV…

_(Wren blows a kiss. Janet rolls her eyes.)_

**JANET:** I am… planning on seeing my children soon, yes, but not by kidnapping.

 **WREN:** _Boring_. I thought you were gonna let me in a dramatic revenge against Patty or something.

 **JANET:** (standing) Nothing so childish. I have… subtler plans for my personal piece of justice.

_(Wren groans and hops back onto the bed. They retrieve they phone from somewhere under the tangle of sheets.)_

**WREN:** Ugh. Whatever. Lemme know when you wanna get back to being interesting.

 **JANET:** If I ‘get back to being interesting,’ will you get off my case?

 **WREN:** (lying back and grinning) Maybe…

_(Janet smirks and walks over to the bed. She straddles Wren, and the lights go down._

_End scene.)_


	7. SCENE 7 - Visiting

_(Patty’s living room. Patty and Barry sit on opposite sides of the coffee table with a mancala board set up between them. Patty’s hands hover over the board as she contemplates her next move.)_

**PATTY:** Okay, well… Hm. If I go there, you – no, that doesn’t work. (pointing) How many pieces are in that one?

 **BARRY:** Twelve.

 **PATTY:** How do you keep all those numbers in your head?

 **BARRY:** A side effect of my profession.

 **PATTY:** Hm… twelve, huh? Then that means – oh!

_(Patty triumphantly takes her turn. Without changing his expression, Barry takes his own turn and captures a large amount of Patty’s pieces. She deflates.)_

**PATTY:** Oh, shoot. I really thought I had you that time.

 **BARRY:** Would you like to play again?

 **PATTY:** (sighing) Not… really. (rubbing temples) I’m a little braindead, honestly. The kids have been a handful lately.

 **BARRY:** (putting away the board) Oh? Should I come visit another time?

 **PATTY:** No, no. It’s just, well, Tommy was asking about – uh, about something, and Ethan got all defensive, and the next thing I knew they were both screaming. Ethan locked himself in his room. This was a few days ago, he’s still not leaving his room if he can help it.

_(Barry gets up to put the game away. What ‘away’ means is up to the director and/or set designer.)_

**BARRY:** What was he asking about?

_(A beat of silence. Patty pretends she hasn’t heard the question.)_

**BARRY:** Patty?

 **PATTY:** (obviously lying) Oh, you know. This and that. Stuff he saw on TV.

 **BARRY:** (sitting back down) If you don’t want me to know, you can just say as much.

 **PATTY:** No, it’s not that, it’s just – it’s, well, okay, maybe it is that.

 **BARRY:** Alright.

 **PATTY:** (standing) Why don’t we set the table before Ramona gets here?

 **BARRY:** Doesn’t Ramona have therapy on Wednesday nights?

 **PATTY:** Not anymore.

_(Patty goes to move into the other room but stops when Barry speaks.)_

**BARRY:** (standing) She switched to another day, then?

 **PATTY:** No, she’s not seeing a therapist anymore. She’s been doing a lot better.

 **BARRY:** (suspiciously) Has she now?

 **PATTY:** Why can’t you just let her have this, Barry?

 **BARRY:** I don’t know what you’re talking about.

 **PATTY:** (sitting back down) She’s really happy right now. She’s got a new girlfriend, she has a good part in her play, and everything’s fine. She doesn’t need a therapist.

 **BARRY:** This… isn’t like you, Patty. You’ve always been supportive of Ramona seeking help with her mental state, even when she’s apparently doing well.

 **PATTY:** Yeah, well, this is different.

 **BARRY:** Why? (a beat of silence) Why is this different, Patty?

 **PATTY:** You’re going to say I’m being overprotective.

 **BARRY:** (sitting) Patty. What happened.

 **PATTY:** Well, I… I looked up the therapist she’d been seeing. She told me his name at some point and I just, you know, looked it up to see what I could find. They’ve got all sorts of public pages for that sort of thing.

_(As she speaks, she begins jostling her leg restlessly, and eventually gets up and starts puttering to release the nervous energy.)_

**PATTY:** I guess it was because the name sounded familiar and I couldn’t quite place it. But, um. You remember that friend Janet used to talk about from college? The one who dropped out of the pre-law program to go into psychiatry?

 **BARRY:** (realization dawning) Jesus, Patty.

 **PATTY:** Well, look, I’m just looking out for her!

 **BARRY:** (standing) This isn’t – this is not _looking out_ for her, Patty, this is – you’re happy she’s not seeing a therapist anymore because you Internet stalked the therapist in question and he _might_ still be in contact with Janet?

 **PATTY:** Not so loud!

_(Patty glances through the doorway like someone may be spying on them, then walks closer to Barry so she can speak at a lower volume.)_

**PATTY:** What if the kids hear you?

 **BARRY:** Why does that matter?

 **PATTY:** I just – I don’t want any more fighting, okay?

 **BARRY:** Any more –- (realizing) Their argument. It was about Janet.

 **PATTY:** (reluctant) Tommy wanted to know when he’d see her again.

 **BARRY:** That’s understandable.

 **PATTY:** (angry) Why on earth is that understandable? She’s a menace, and she’s not part of this family anymore. End of discussion.

 **BARRY:** She’s still their mother.

 **PATTY:** (stubbornly) No, she isn’t.

 **BARRY:** Even if that were legally true – which, for the record, I don’t believe it is – can you seriously expect the children to accept that someone who raised them is abruptly no longer part of their life?

 **PATTY:** Yes.

 **BARRY:** Patty –-

 **PATTY:** If you’re so keen on taking her side, why don’t you go spend time with _her_ , huh?

 **BARRY:** I’m not taking anyone’s side.

 **PATTY:** Well you should be taking my side!

 **BARRY:** There shouldn’t be any sides! (composing himself) This shouldn’t be a war, Patty. This – all of this – you can’t keep pretending that it will all go away if you just never talk about it. (a beat) Patty?

 **PATTY:** (not looking at him) Maybe it’s better if you don’t stay for dinner tonight.

_(For a moment, Barry looks like he wants to protest, but then he sets his jaw and walks out without a word._

_Patty sits down, buries her head in her hands, and makes a choking noise that is obviously an attempt not to cry._

_End scene.)_


	8. SCENE 8 - Reconnecting

_(The apartment. Wren sits sprawled on the bean bag chairs, eating chips with their mouth open and scrolling through their phone._

_A knock is heard from the door.)_

**WREN:** Janny! (a beat) Ugh, right, stupid retail job.

_(Wren heaves themself out of the chair with an exaggerated groan and goes to open the door. Barry is standing on the other side.)_

**BARRY:** Wren --

_(Wren slams the door without a word and sprawls back onto the bean bag chairs. After a beat, Barry knocks again.)_

**WREN:** Nope.

 **BARRY:** (through the door) Wren, please. I just want to talk.

 **WREN:** Fuck off.

 **BARRY:** Please.

 **WREN:** ‘Please’ ain’t a magic word that works on me, pretty boy.

 **BARRY:** Would you open the door if I said I was here for sex instead?

 **WREN:** Actually? I wouldn’t. How’s that for a mindfuck, huh?

_(A beat. Barry slowly opens the door and pokes his head in.)_

**BARRY:** You… didn’t lock the door.

_(Wren whips their head around to see Barry coming in and scowls.)_

**WREN:** Shit.

 **BARRY:** Please, Wren. I don’t know who else to talk to.

 **WREN:** Get a fucking therapist or something. Heard it works for Princess Perfect.

 **BARRY:** (closing the door behind him) Ramona isn’t seeing a therapist anymore.

 **WREN:** Dumb choice. Not my business.

 **BARRY:** No, it isn’t. That’s not why I came here.

_(Barry hesitates, then walks closer to Wren. Wren shoots him a glare, and he stops in his tracks.)_

**BARRY:** Not fully why, anyway.

_(Wren grabs their chips again and starts loudly chewing.)_

**BARRY:** This is about Patty. She’s getting worse.

 **WREN:** How’d you even get up here? Wait, no, how’d you even figure out where I _live_?

 **BARRY:** You mentioned the name of your building on your Snapchat story. After that, it was just a matter of asking around about noise complaints. As for how I got in, someone ordered a pizza. I just followed behind the delivery man.

 **WREN:** (without much malice) You fucking stalker.

 **BARRY:** Says the person who once picked the locks on my apartment.

 **WREN:** (shrugging) I was bored. You weren’t answering your phone.

 **BARRY:** I was at work.

 **WREN:** (grinning at Barry) I’m more fun. (dropping the grin) Ooh, good try. Now get the fuck out of my house.

 **BARRY:** What do I need to say, Wren? What do you want me to do?

 **WREN:** (throwing a chip at Barry) Go fuck yourself, that’s what.

 **BARRY:** You were right, okay? You were right, and I should have listened.

_(Wren tosses down their bag of chips and glares at Barry.)_

**WREN:** Oh, fuck you. You think that’s what I’m looking to hear? You think I want you running back here with your dick between your legs and a fucking _apology_? (mocking) Oh, I’m sorry Wren! You were right, Wren! I wish I’d taken you seriously and worshipped the ground you walked on, Wren!

 **BARRY:** That wasn’t –

_(Wren gets up and shoves a finger at Barry’s chest.)_

**WREN:** Look, 95 percent of the shit that comes out of my mouth is sheer unfiltered bullshit and we _both_ know it. You need me for _advice_? For fucking right and wrong? The fuck kind of unhinged psycho rat is pulling the strings in your brains then, huh?

 **BARRY:** Am I not allowed to acknowledge when you’re right?

 **WREN:** (cheery) Not this far after the fact you fucking ain’t! I got no past and no future, my present is fucked to all hell, and you can take that or leave it, bucko.

 **BARRY:** I just meant that--

_(As Wren delivers the next lines, they keep pressing into Barry’s personal space and getting up in his face, and he continues stepping backward.)_

**WREN:** Do you know how hard I work to keep the bar below ground fucking level, Barry-bear? And you’re gonna come into my space and try and fucking _expect_ shit from me? Gonna lie about being sorry like you fucking actually expected to have to rely on me to be able to rub two brain cells together? (growing more annoyed) Look, Fucko, you didn’t leave ‘cause you were mad or – or god _fucking_ forbid, _disappointed_ – no, you didn’t even leave, _I_ left. I am the one who left. I left, and don’t you _dare_ forget it. You don’t get to be sorry because there’s nothing to be sorry about. There’s nothing! There never was! _We’re_ nothing! And you don’t get to – WOAH!

_(On this last exclamation, Wren has backed Barry into the mattress in the middle of the floor, and as he trips backward, Wren stumbles and lands on top of him. They stare at each other in surprise for a beat before Wren grins.)_

**WREN:** (leering) On second thought, you serious about the fucking?

 **BARRY:** I said that to make you let me in, actually. But I may be amenable to arrangements at a later date. Also… you’re right, again. I’m not really sorry.

 **WREN:** Well, duh.

_(Wren rolls off of Barry to sit beside him on the bed.)_

**WREN:** Just, like, curious. What was I right about the first time?

 **BARRY:** Patty’s ultimatum. You claimed it was indicative of a controlling and unhealthily perfectionist personality.

 **WREN:** Huh?

 **BARRY:** (adjusting glasses) I believe your exact words were something more along the lines of “she’s gotta be fucked in the head if she thinks I’m breaking my back over her stupid perfect life.”

 **WREN:** (snorting) Oh, yeah. That sounds more like me.

 **BARRY:** Yes, well. You were right.

 **WREN:** She kick you out?

 **BARRY:** We’re not living together. (a beat) But… in a manner of speaking, she might have, yes.

 **WREN:** (unsympathetic) Sucks to suck, dude.

 **BARRY:** Yes, well. (adjusting glasses again) We had an argument about her more… controlling tendencies.

 **WREN:** Okay? And? You finally dump her or what?

 **BARRY:** (giving Wren a confused look) Patty and I aren’t romantically or sexually involved.

 **WREN:** Fine, whatever, like, friendship dump.

 **BARRY:** Well… no, although it’s possible she’ll perceive it that way.

 **WREN:** Good fucking riddance.

 **BARRY:** I’m beginning to think it’s a form of lashing out. She’s scared that people will take Janet’s side over hers in this figurative war she’s crafted around her, and so she pushes others away before they can push her away first.

 **WREN:** (wryly) So, like me.

 **BARRY:** What?

 **WREN:** (standing) Yup, this has been fun. Get the hell out.

 **BARRY:** I’m not --

 **WREN:** You know what the difference between me and Patty is? Like, a whole fucking lot, but here’s a big one: I know I’m fucked up. Patty’s just a repressed bitch. I’m not talking to her for you.

 **BARRY:** That’s not what I’m asking.

 **WREN:** (folding their arms) Then _what_.

 **BARRY:** (deep breath) I’m just… I’m tired of it.

 **WREN:** What do you want me to do, take a hit out on the woman? I’m flattered you think I’m that well-connected, but you’d probably have a better bet with Janet --

 **BARRY:** (standing) No, that’s not what I mean. I just – (beginning to pace) I’m tired of letting her get away with it. The splitting people up, the compartmentalizing so she doesn’t have to deal with things. When she asked me to choose between her and Janet I didn’t think twice because I’d always been friendlier with Patty anyway.

 **WREN:** You went to that protest with Janet.

 **BARRY:** We both happened to be going. I gave her a lift as a matter of convenience. But that’s not the point.

 **WREN:** Yeah, about that point. I keep waiting for you to get there, and yet here we are.

 **BARRY:** I have a plan, of sorts.

 **WREN:** And I care why?

 **BARRY:** Because although potentially effective, it is also potentially a “dick move,” and because I believe you will find it as satisfying as I do, if for rather different reasons.

 **WREN:** (grinning and sitting back down) You had me at ‘dick.’

 **BARRY:** (raising an eyebrow) Now, why does that give me déjà vu?

 **WREN:** Shut the hell up and get talking.

_(Barry smiles. End scene.)_


	9. SCENE 9 - Caught

_(Patty’s living room. Ramona sits on the couch, hunched over and scrolling through her phone. He posture is stiff and anxious._

_There is the sound of a distant slamming followed by approaching footsteps. A beat later, Janet stalks into the room, obviously angry. Without a word to Ramona, she starts rummaging around the room, looking for something.)_

**RAMONA:** (nervous) Um. Didn’t go well?

 **JANET:** (curtly) No.

_(She offers no further information and keeps searching for whatever it is she’s trying to find. After a beat, Ramona tries again.)_

**RAMONA:** (putting phone down on table) What are you looking for?

 **JANET:** (muttering) Goddamn it, of course she reorganized, that woman would tidy up her own _organs_ if she – ah-ha!

_(Janet finds what she was looking for: the mancala set. She sits down across from Ramona.)_

**RAMONA:** It’s been a while since I’ve played, you might have to –-

_(Janet ignores her and flips over the board. She tugs at the back for a beat before managing to pull off a layer of material, revealing a thin hidden compartment.)_

**RAMONA:** Woah, what the hell?

_(Janet removes a folded piece of paper from the compartment and hold it up to underscore her grim triumph.)_

**JANET:** Adoption papers. I hid them in here forever ago, just in case. And a damned lucky thing I did, too. I haven’t been able to get my hands on a copy of these for a year now.

_(She returns the back to the Mancala set and gets up to return it to its spot.)_

**RAMONA:** I – I don’t understand.

 **JANET:** I’m getting my kids back, if it takes dragging Patty through court for the rest of my life to do it.

 **RAMONA:** But – wait, isn’t the court’s ruling final? Like, they had the papers, and they still said you didn’t have visitation rights.

_(Ramona’s eyes go wide, and her hands go to her face as realization dawns.)_

**RAMONA:** Oh my god. You don’t have visitations rights. This is totally illegal.

 **JANET:** (casually) There’s more wiggle room than you’d expect, so long as you know how to look for loopholes.

 **RAMONA:** (starting to panic) Oh my god. Oh my _god_ , we’re breaking the law right now. Shit, shit, _shit_!

_(Janet hasn’t sat back down yet, but she moves to stand a little closer to where Ramona is sitting.)_

**JANET:** (bitter) Think of it this way: I’d hardly call the brief exchange I managed with Ethan a ‘visit.’

 **RAMONA:** Patty’s going to _kill_ me!

 **JANET:** Only if she finds out.

 **RAMONA:** (staring at Janet like she’s insane) Are you kidding me? Of course she gonna find out! You think Ethan doesn’t talk to her? He’s a sullen little gremlin, but he _likes_ Patty, it’s not like --

 **JANET:** (furious) I taught that kid how to fucking play catch! I helped him with his math homework for years, I was at every event, every birthday, every fucking step of the way.

_(Ramona flinches when Janet yells at her, but Janet continues anyway.)_

**JANET:** If Ethan doesn’t like me, that’s the fault of the goddamn psychotic bitch who took him from me!

_(Ramona’s phone buzzes loudly against the table. Ramona looks back and forth between Janet and the phone before picking it up and answering.)_

**RAMONA:** (a little shaky) Hello?

_(Lights up on Patty DSR. She is sitting down in a waiting room chair.)_

**PATTY:** Hey, hon! Just checking in to see how it’s going.

 **RAMONA:** Um, yeah, it’s, uh – we’re fine, I mean, you know, _Ethan_ is fine, uh –

 **JANET:** (pointing to the phone) Is that Patty?

 **PATTY:** Is someone there with you, Ramona?

_(Ramona stares at Janet for a beat, panicked, before answering.)_

**RAMONA:** (extremely anxious) Uh… yeah. I have, uh, Jane over. She just, uh. Popped by. Hope that’s okay.

 **PATTY:** (frowning) Why didn’t you ask me first? **JANET:** (deadly calm) Give me the phone.

 **RAMONA:** What? I – I don’t –-

 **PATTY:** Well you should have asked me before you let a stranger in the house. **JANET:** Ramona, give me the damn phone.

 **RAMONA:** (overwhelmed) I’m not – I --

_(Janet snatches the phone out of Ramona’s hand and puts it to her ear.)_

**JANET:** Hello, Patricia.

_(There’s a beat of shocked silence as Patty identifies the voice. Her eyes go wide.)_

**PATTY:** Janet?!

 **JANET:** (sarcastic) Oh, good, you still know what my voice sounds like. What with all the lies you’ve been telling Ethan, I thought maybe you expected me to sound like a cackling witch.

 **PATTY:** (whisper-shouting) What are you doing with Ramona?

 **JANET:** Isn’t it obvious? I don’t know if she could have picked a more conspicuous fake name if she tried.

 **PATTY:** (in denial) No – no, Ramona wouldn’t do that. **RAMONA:** (pleading) Jan, please, give it back.

 **JANET:** (ignoring Ramona) And why not? Because you’re such a _wonderful_ and _perfect_ friend that she’d never dream of going against your orders? (sneering) Just like how you’re such a wonderful and perfect mom who would _never_ lie to her own child until he hated his own _mother_?

 **PATTY:** (angry) Don’t you dare talk to him.

 **JANET:** (bitter) Oh, you’ve done a fine job of ensuring that, don’t worry! What the goddamn hell did you tell him, Patricia? Huh? Because he looked at me like I’d come to bomb the house into oblivion.

 **PATTY:** Well – well maybe you did, I don’t know!

 **JANET:** Christ, you actually believe all the lies you told him, don’t you? About me being a ‘dangerous radical.’

 **RAMONA:** Janet, please.

 **PATTY:** (sharply) Well, aren’t you?

 **JANET:** For _what_? For punching the fucker who tear-gassed Barry? For standing up to oppression? If you’d have been there –-

 **PATTY:** (shouting) If I’d have been there, they’d have shot me, and you know it!

_(Patty looks across the room in surprise, and then covers the receiver and mouths ‘sorry’ to an unseen person who presumably just shushed her.)_

**PATTY:** I’m hanging up now. Get out of my house, Janet.

 **JANET:** Oh no you don’t – _dammit_!

_(Lights down on Patty as she hangs up._

_Janet throws the phone onto the space on the couch next to Ramona, then clenches her hands a few times and takes a deep, shaky breath._

_Without another word, she turns to stalk out the door.)_

**RAMONA:** (voice still shaky) Where are you going?

 **JANET:** (stopping but not turning around) Home.

 **RAMONA:** (trying for a light tone and failing) I’ll – I’ll see you this weekend, yeah? (a beat) The show?

 **JANET:** Yeah. Sure. Whatever.

_(Janet leaves without another word, and Ramona watches her go. End scene.)_


	10. SCENE 10 - Colliding

_(Wren leans against a wall, smoking. They look annoyed. Barry approaches from off-stage, holding his phone.)_

**BARRY:** She’s not here.

 **WREN:** The hell do you mean, she’s not here?

 **BARRY:** She didn’t give an explanation. I don’t know what to tell you.

 **WREN:** Are you kidding me? I came to see this stupid show for nothing?

 **BARRY:** (awkwardly) I… suppose you could justify if by – ah. Never mind.

 **WREN:** (annoyed) _What_.

_(Barry clears his throat self-consciously, and then makes a visible effort to straighten his posture.)_

**BARRY:** Well. I just meant to say it could be a date?

 **WREN:** (unsure how to take this) What, seriously? Like, officially?

 **BARRY:** (backpedaling) Like I said, never mind. Just a thought.

 **WREN:** Real cute, Barry-bear, but we both know I’m not dating material. You don’t have to, like, try to console me for wasting my whole afternoon stalking some bitch who couldn’t even be bothered to show up.

 **BARRY:** You could argue you’re here to support Ramona.

 **WREN:** Fuck that. Any luck, she never knows I’m here.

 **BARRY:** Right. Yes. Well. About that.

_(As they talk, Ramona enters from the same side of the stage as Barry had, holding a bag. When she sees Wren, she hesitates before walking purposefully over.)_

**RAMONA:** Wren?

 **BARRY:** I may have informed her that you would be here.

 **WREN:** (glaring) You _what_?

 **RAMONA:** I… didn’t think you’d actually come.

 **WREN:** (still not looking at Ramona) I’m gonna kill you, Barry. I’m gonna honest to god bury you alive in the woods.

 **BARRY:** (with a strained smile) I think perhaps it would be best if I left you two to talk.

_(Barry starts to walk away but Wren stops him by dropping the cigarette and digging their nails into his arm. He winces but doesn’t shake them off._

_When Wren talks, their voice comes out angry and maybe a little desperate.)_

**WREN:** Barry, I can either suck your dick later or bite it off, and which one I go with is gonna depend _entirely_ on what you do next.

_(Barry removes Wren’s hand from his arm and then, still holding their hand, leans in to kiss them on the cheek. Wren stands frozen, entirely unsure what to do with this display of affection.)_

**BARRY:** That’s a risk I’ll have to take, I suppose.

_(Barry walks away, and Wren calls after him.)_

**WREN:** Don’t leave me here, douchebag, you’re my ride!

 **BARRY:** (calling over his shoulder) I’ll be waiting in the car!

_(Wren flips Barry off, but his back is turned and he doesn’t see. Barry exits.)_

**RAMONA:** Are you two, like, officially together now, or --

 **WREN:** (petulant) Wouldn’t _you_ like to know.

 **RAMONA:** Uh. Yeah? That’s kinda why I asked?

 **WREN:** (after a beat) Wait, do you, like, actually care?

 **RAMONA:** (shrugging) It’s… something to talk about, I guess.

_(There’s an awkward pause.)_

**WREN:** (sudden) When that chick you were acting opposite did her crying scene, I thought she was gonna shit her pants. Was that in the script?

 **RAMONA:** (surprised laugh) What?

 **WREN:** I don’t do awkward silence well, Moany, you know this! It was the most normal thing I could think of to say!

 **RAMONA:** (sarcastic) Yeah, wow, I forgot how good you are at censoring yourself, ‘En.

 **WREN:** (grinning) Anything for my baby sister.

 **RAMONA:** I’m older than you.

 **WREN:** By like a minute --

 **RAMONA:** \-- oh god, not this again --

 **WREN:** \-- and you’re a whiny baby, so.

 **RAMONA:** Be honest, did you come see the show just so you could annoy me again?

 **WREN:** (light) Fuck no, I’m not here for you. I was trying to catch your girlfriend.

 **RAMONA:** (shocked) You know about Janet?

 **WREN:** (confused) What? No, I meant Patty - hang on, what do you mean, ‘I know about Janet’?

 **RAMONA:** I – it – none of your business! It’s a different Janet, anyway, you don’t --

 **WREN:** Bullshit! Are you -- (pieces falling into place) Oh my god. Oh, no _fucking_ way.

 **RAMONA:** (defensive) What.

_(Wren looks like they can’t decide whether to be delighted over the absurdity or absolutely furious, and the result is a sort of hysterical energy.)_

**WREN:** Fucking hell! We were gonna try and corner Patty, see if she’d make a scene in public, and I was just _joking_ about the girlfriend thing --

 **RAMONA:** (somewhere between bitter and pitiful) Yeah, well. She’s not here.

 **WREN:** That two-timing _bitch_!

 **RAMONA:** No, it – it’s my fault, I made her mad, and she --

 **WREN:** How long?

 **RAMONA:** (lost) What?

 **WREN:** How long have you been hooking up with Janet? (as Ramona begins to answer) And don’t even try lying to me, dipshit, we both know it ain’t gonna work. I fucking taught you how to lie, and I’m better at it.

 **RAMONA:** We’re not _hooking up_. We – we’ve been dating for a couple months now. It’s serious.

 **WREN:** Oh, is it? Really? She come out to support your show and everything?

 **RAMONA:** (avoiding eye contact) …I’m sure she was busy or something.

 **WREN:** God. _Shit_. Don’t tell me: she was supposed to come last night, wasn’t she?

 **RAMONA:** How did you --

_(Wren laughs, but less like they think the situation is funny and more like they don’t know what else to do. The result sounds a bit crazed.)_

**WREN:** Oh, she was busy, alright.

 **RAMONA:** What are you talking about, Wren?

 **WREN:** Moany, there’s no good way for me to say this. (putting a hand on Ramona’s shoulder) I fucked your girlfriend.

 **RAMONA:** You – you can’t be serious.

 **WREN:** Wish I wasn’t. Honestly wish I wasn’t, I’m usually better about keeping up my bullshit.

 **RAMONA:** (shoving away Wren’s hand, angry) No, you aren’t, you’re absolutely not serious. You just can’t let me have nice things, can you? I finally have a girlfriend who cares about me and --

 **WREN:** (wincing) She doesn’t care about you, Moany.

 **RAMONA:** (exploding) And how the hell would you know! You haven’t talked to me in over a year, Wren! I mean, even – god! – you know _Mom_ tried to get in touch with me? Our fucking _mother_ tried to call me before you did. Oh, don’t give me that look, I didn’t answer. So yeah, forgive me if I’m not gonna just lie down and let you take away the one good thing that’s happening in my life when –-

_(As Ramona rants, Wren seems to shrink. This is the only time we have really seen Wren be so put off by what someone is saying.)_

**WREN:** Shit, Ramona, tell me that’s not the one good thing. Don’t make me do this. It’s no fun fucking with you when you’re already miserable.

 **RAMONA:** (barreling on) I mean, honestly! If you’re gonna abandon me then you could at least have the common courtesy to stay gone! But no, of course, Ramona doesn’t get to have nice things. It’s gotta be all about Wren. They’re the smarter twin, the hotter twin, the cooler twin – god I got so _sick_ of you telling me that, I was almost glad when Mom shipped you off to live with Dad! (shoving a finger at Wren’s chest) Well listen here you piece of shit. You don’t get to do this anymore. You don’t get to just show up and make shit up because you think it’s funny to --

 **WREN:** (snapping) Yeah, I think it’s funny! You know why? ‘Cause I am an absolute piece of shit. I’m not a fucking good person, Moany, we both know this, that’s probably the one thing Mom got right. And this? Sleeping with your girlfriend? I don’t even know if I’d put that past myself! So yeah, it’s goddamn hilarious to me that this is the most fucked up thing I’ve done to you in _years_ , and I didn’t even mean to!

 **RAMONA:** And I’m supposed to believe that? That you didn’t honestly come back into my life _just_ to try and ruin everything? Because that sure as hell sounds like you!

 **WREN:** (shouting) I’m not the only one that didn’t call!

_(A beat of stunned silence. Ramona hangs her head.)_

**RAMONA:** I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled.

 **WREN:** (shrugging) Yeah, well. This is a buck-wild shitshow. ‘Course someone was gonna end up yelling.

 **RAMONA:** You’re not gonna tell me not to apologize if I’m not really sorry?

 **WREN:** Figured it went without saying.

_(Ramona slumps down to sit against the wall, and Wren joins them. Wren stretches and continues casually, as though they hadn’t just screamed at each other.)_

**WREN:** Alright. I got like 12 years of pent-up childhood trauma and, like, maybe some abandonment issues or something, I dunno. What’s your excuse?

 **RAMONA:** We have the same childhood trauma, doofus.

 **WREN:** Nah, not totally. I got Dad. You got Mom.

 **RAMONA:** (shaking her head) That wasn’t better. Even when you weren’t around, she was always comparing me to you. I couldn’t even have a rebellious phase without getting told off for not being the ‘good twin.’

 **WREN:** (thinking) Hey, that’s fucked up, right? Like, that’s not normal?

 **RAMONA:** (sighing) Yeah. Yeah, that’s not normal. (a beat) Hey, ‘En?

 **WREN:** Yeah?

 **RAMONA:** I missed you.

 **WREN:** (snorting) What, seriously? (gesturing to themselves) You missed _this_ class act? Jesus, Moany, I thought _I_ was supposed to be the masochistic twin.

 **RAMONA:** (annoyed huff) We can both be the ‘whatever’ twin, ‘En, that’s not how people work.

 **WREN:** Huh. That explains it, I guess.

 **RAMONA:** Explains what?

_(Wren grins and reaches out to ruffle Ramona’s hair. She ducks away and swats at Wren.)_

**WREN:** How we’re both the stupid twin.

 **RAMONA:** (laughs, then more somber) Guess that’s how I got into this mess, huh?

 **WREN:** What, being stupid? Yeah, probably. Also, probably Janet’s a slimy, lying bitch. How’d you two even get together, anyway?

 **RAMONA:** (deep breath) Well, it started a couple months ago…

_(End scene.)_


	11. SCENE 11 - Leaving

_(Barry sits in his car SR. He is tapping one hand on the steering wheel and staring into the middle distance, obviously deep in thought. After a beat, he takes a deep breath, pulls out his phone, dials a number, and puts the phone to his ear._

_Lights up on Patty’s living room SL. Patty sits on the couch, reading a book. Her phone sits on the table in front of her and begins to buzz. Patty checks the phone, then taps the screen and returns to her book._

_Barry removes his phone from his ear, looks at it, frowns, and redials._

_Patty huffs and answers the phone.)_

**PATTY:** What is it, Barry?

 **BARRY:** (forcibly pleasant) Hello, Patty. I quite enjoyed the show today. Ramona did a good job.

 **PATTY:** (curt) That’s nice.

 **BARRY:** It’s a shame you couldn’t come. She missed you.

 **PATTY:** (annoyed) You talked to her?

 **BARRY:** Oh, I’m sorry, Patty, am I not allowed to do that anymore?

 **PATTY:** No, I – I mean, yes! I mean, you don’t need my permission to talk to people, you’re –-

 **BARRY:** (sharp) Oh, don’t I? Then I suppose you don’t mind me talking to Wren, too?

 **PATTY:** (steely) That’s fine.

_(Barry sighs and rubs his temple with the hand that isn’t holding the phone.)_

**BARRY:** I realize that passive aggression doesn’t work on you. That was… self-indulgent.

 **PATTY:** Barry --

 **BARRY:** On the other hand, I hesitate to be too forthright, because I doubt you’ll take that well, either. Do you see my dilemma?

 **PATTY:** If you have something to say, say it.

 **BARRY:** Fine. You’re overly controlling and your guilt tripping and attempts at emotional manipulation have gotten out of hand.

_(Patty hangs up. Barry scowls at his phone.)_

**BARRY:** Oh, no you don’t. You aren’t getting out of this conversation. (redialing) I will come over to your house physically if I have to. Come on, Patty, pick up.

_(Patty picks up and plasters on a fake smile.)_

**PATTY:** (sweetly) Sorry, the connection must have dropped. What were you saying?

 **BARRY:** Why didn’t you come to Ramona’s show today?

 **PATTY:** What?

 **BARRY:** You told her you were coming today. You were bringing the kids. You’ve never missed one of her performances, and your text to me didn’t indicate there was any emergency that needed your immediate attention. So why didn’t you come?

 **PATTY:** Maybe that’s none of your business.

 **BARRY:** Maybe not.

 **PATTY:** (after a beat) You’re not going to let this go, are you?

 **BARRY:** We can talk about something else if you’d like.

_(Patty starts absently fluffing pillows to keep her hands busy.)_

**PATTY:** Oh?

 **BARRY:** For instance, we could discuss why you won’t let the boys even mention Janet around you.

 **PATTY:** (angry) That’s not even slightly your --

 **BARRY:** Or why you’ve aggressively dissuaded Ramona from talking to Wren for at least a year now.

 **PATTY:** I’m not the one who --

 **BARRY:** (biting) Or, oh, I don’t know, something that really _is_ my business, like why you won’t talk about the trial!

 **PATTY:** (still angry) And why should I?

 **BARRY:** (taking a calming breath) Patty. Please try to see this from my perspective. I couldn’t make it to the trial because of the medical complications after I was _tear gassed_ –-

 **PATTY:** (softer, but still annoyed) I know.

 **BARRY:** \-- and so even a year later I am still unclear as to what exactly happened. I happen to enjoy your company, and so I’ve tried to maintain a friendship, but you’ve insisted that that friendship be predicated on mistrust that you refuse to explain to me.

 **PATTY:** She assaulted a police officer!

_(Realizing she’s being loud, Patty freezes and pauses to listen. She continues once she’s sure neither of the boys heard her.)_

**PATTY:** I don’t see what there is to discuss.

 **BARRY:** There’s the matter of why. And of how badly. And of what about it made you want so desperately to cut her out of your life entirely.

_(Patty is worked up enough that she’s stood up and moving around as she putters.)_

**PATTY:** (hotly) I don’t see how any of that needs to be your business.

 **BARRY:** Perhaps it doesn’t. But if you refuse to explain to me why I should continue to put off all contact with Janet and Wren – and maybe even Ramona now, too – then I refuse to continue humoring the rules you’ve set up around our friendship.

 **PATTY:** (pleading) You didn’t even _like_ Janet.

 **BARRY:** I didn’t _not_ like her. And I did – I _do_ like Wren.

 **PATTY:** Well why don’t you just run back to them, then! If you really want to throw away our friendship just so you can sleep with that – that –-

 **BARRY:** Patty. What I am trying to make you understand here is that I _will_.

 **PATTY:** You – what?

 **BARRY:** I will leave. If you continue to push me away, I am not going to fight it. If you really want to maintain a friendship, then you need to act like it. I will not be used.

 **PATTY:** (sitting down slowly) I –-

 **BARRY:** And furthermore, I’ve grown increasingly less comfortable condoning some of the decisions you insist are ‘none of my business.’

 **PATTY:** You --

 **BARRY:** But that’s not my point. My point is that you need to stop expecting me to unquestioningly accept your authority in all situations. We’re adults, Patty. Let’s act like it. (a beat) Patty?

 **PATTY:** (softly) You don’t understand.

 **BARRY:** (placating) Then help me understand.

 **PATTY:** I just – I just wanted everything to be perfect. When we moved here – you remember when we met? Janet and I were checking out the local school, we wanted to make sure everything would be just right before we adopted –-

 **BARRY:** I recall.

 **PATTY:** And it was! Everything was perfect, it – well, it was _mostly_ perfect, anyway. It was good enough. I thought it was. And then Janet had to go and ruin everything, and now I’m being blamed for trying to clean up the mess.

 **BARRY:** Janet’s actions don’t exist in a vacuum, Patty.

 **PATTY:** What’s that supposed to mean?

 **BARRY:** It means that none of this came out of nowhere. It means that you can’t blame her for ruining some mythical idea of perfection, and you can’t claim to be the unsung hero upholding said idea of perfection.

 **PATTY:** (petulant) I _told_ you, you wouldn’t understand.

 **BARRY:** (sighing) You’re right. I don’t understand. I don’t understand why you can’t recognize how unhealthy this perfectionism is, I don’t understand why you would rather cut away your loved ones than confront your problems. I don’t understand why you expect me to put my better judgement aside to be involved in this.

 **PATTY:** (desperate) Because that’s what friends do!

 **BARRY:** No, Patty. It really isn’t.

 **PATTY:** (after a beat) Are – are you still coming over for dinner?

 **BARRY:** (deep breath) I don’t think I am, no.

 **PATTY:** Oh.

 **BARRY:** Goodbye, Patty.

_(Barry hangs up and the lights go down on his side of the stage. Patty keeps the phone to her ear for a beat before slowly lowering her hand. Then, in a sudden burst of frustration, she throws a pillow across the room with a yell, then takes a shaky breath and stares dejectedly into the middle distance._

_End scene.)_


	12. SCENE 12 - Confrontation

_(The apartment. Janet sits perches on one of the beanbag chairs, reading a book._

_Wren slams open the door, slams it shut behind them, and stalks up to Janet, who glances up at them before returning to her book.)_

**JANET:** (casually) I’d ask where you were, but you look like you’re in the mood to tell me it’s none of my business.

_(Wren makes a visible effort to swallow their anger enough to hold a conversation.)_

**WREN:** (tightly) Actually… I was on a date.

 **JANET:** That’s nice.

 **WREN:** With Barry.

 **JANET:** (looking up, surprised) Oh?

 **WREN:** We went to see Ramona’s show.

_(Janet looks shocked for a second, then quickly schools her features. She shrugs and returns her attention to her book.)_

**JANET:** (forcibly casual) Oh. Well, that’s nice.

_(Wren snatches the book out of Janet’s hands and throws it across the room. Janet maintains her calm façade.)_

**JANET:** I was reading that, you know.

 **WREN:** You’ve got some nerve, you know that?

 **JANET:** By what? Reading?

 **WREN:** I am not _fucking_ talking about your stupid book Janet! You know _damn_ well what this is about!

 **JANET:** (looking at Wren coolly) I’m sure I don’t.

 **WREN:** You and Ramona!

 **JANET:** What about me and Ramona?

 **WREN:** Don’t you dare play dumb, you don’t get to pull this kind of twisted villain shit and then pretend you’re an idiot.

_(Still calm, Janet stands and steps forward so she’s in Wren’s personal space, smiling.)_

**JANET:** (flirty) I thought you were into the villain routine, Wren.

_(Wren shoves Janet, sending her stumbling back onto the beanbag chair. Janet looks genuinely surprised that Wren didn’t take the bait.)_

**WREN:** (furious) No. No, you took things _way_ too far this time. You don’t get to just fuck with Ramona like that. You don’t – I mean, _fuck_ , how many years of therapy, down the toilet like _that_!

 **JANET:** Since when do you believe in --

 **WREN:** Shut up! You were two-timing my twin sister _with me_ , without _telling_ me, and you expect me to just be okay with that? Shit, Janet, I really thought I was the fucked up one out of the two of us, but even I wouldn’t pull this.

 **JANET:** I was trying to --

 **WREN:** Oh, what, you were just trying to use her? Don’t look so surprised. I’m stupid, but I’m not _that_ dumb. Didn’t take too much to piece it together. You think that makes it okay? You think that’s _better_?

 **JANET:** How did you --

 **WREN:** Because I talked to her. Because it took literally one conversation with Moany to figure out what a piece of shit you are. What? You thought she was gonna keep your secrets for you? After what you did to her?

_(Janet doesn’t answer. Wren, practically vibrating with anger at this point, squats down so that they’re at eye level.)_

**WREN:** You used her to get to Patty and the kids. You used Ramona, you used my _sister_ , who can probably count on one hand the times she’s gotten real affection since middle school, and you know why you used her? Because you _knew_ that. Because you knew that all you had to do was pretend to love her for even a second and she would fall all over herself trying to keep you happy. Because you don’t care what kind of fucked up nonsense you have to pull to get what you want, and you never have.

 **JANET:** That’s not true.

 **WREN:** Oh, isn’t it? You wanna tell me that’s not why you did every stupid, fucked up thing you’ve done since the protest?

 **JANET:** (stoic) I want what’s best for my children. Is that so hard to understand?

 **WREN:** What’s best for your – oh, oh no, no, you do _not_ – you don’t _get_ it, do you? (standing) All of this? Everything you’ve done? That’s not what’s best for your kids, Janet, that’s how you fuck up a childhood!

_(Janet stands up again, but it’s not coy or calm. There’s still a careful intentness behind her actions, but her anger is coming to the surface.)_

**JANET:** I did what was right! I stood up to that police officer when no one else did, and I have been blamed over and over again for not standing down to tyranny and brutality. I will _not_ be painted as the villain for that, and you have _no_ right telling me that it means I don’t have a right to see my children, or that I’m ruining their lives, or --

 **WREN:** You could have fucking killed that police officer, Janet, I literally would not care! Do you honestly think _that’s_ what I’m upset about? This has nothing to do with the goddamn police officer!

 **JANET:** Then _what_ \--

 **WREN:** Whatever stupid, spiteful, hero-complex game you’re playing with Patty, you keep saying you just want to be a good mother or whatever, but that’s not what you’re doing. Maybe when you started off you actually gave a shit about what was best for Tommy and Ethan or whatever, but now? Now they’re just a way for you to get back at Patty.

 **JANET:** You don’t know what you’re talking about.

_(Wren is well and truly livid now, but rather than getting louder and more abrasive, their voice becomes quiet and deliberate.)_

**WREN:** Oh, of course not. I could never understand what it’s like to have two parents so dead set on fucking with each other that they’d tear apart their own children to do it. How could I _possibly_ imagine what that does to a child? What it’s like to grow up knowing your identity means nothing outside of how your mother needs to use you, knowing that any love you get can get taken away in a second if it isn’t convenient anymore?

_(Wren steps away from Janet, shaking their head.)_

**WREN:** The next time you wanna use someone to fuck up a family, make sure they don’t already know how that story ends. And years down the line, when Ethan throws away over a decade of therapy for the first snake to even pretend to love him, or when Tommy makes it a personal goddamn mission to make sure everyone in his life hates him as much as he hates himself, I hope you know who you have to blame.

 **JANET:** (taken aback) Wren –-

 **WREN:** Get out.

 **JANET:** What?

_(Wren goes over to sit on the bed. They’re not looking at Janet anymore.)_

**WREN:** Get the hell out. You’re not staying here tonight.

 **JANET:** You can’t – I – my name’s on the lease, too, Wren, you can’t just –-

_(Wren lies down and rolls over to face away from Janet.)_

**WREN:** Then enjoy the floor, bitch.

_(Janet stands for a minute, gaping, trying to think of something to say. After a beat, she stops over to the door.)_

**JANET:** (bitter) It’s not my fault your mother messed the both of you up so badly. Don’t turn that on me.

_(When she doesn’t get an answer, Janet huffs and leaves, slamming the door behind her._

_End scene.)_


	13. SCENE 13 - Moving Forward

_(Patty’s living room. Patty sits on the couch, the mancala board set out in front of her. She appears to be making a dejected attempt to play a game against herself._

_A knocking is heard, and Patty perks up.)_

**PATTY:** (brightly) It’s unlocked!

_(We hear the sound of a door opening and then closing. After a beat, Janet enters the door. She holds herself with impeccable posture, but still looks slightly unsure of herself._

_Patty shoots to her feet, startled.)_

**PATTY:** Janet? Oh god, I thought it was Barry, what are you doing here?

 **JANET:** I… think it’s time we talk.

 **PATTY:** (stubborn) I don’t want to talk to you.

 **JANET:** (sighing) I know. And to be quite honest, I don’t really want to talk to you, either.

 **PATTY:** (wary) So why are you here?

 **JANET:** Because Wren kicked me out. And made a few points that I… maybe need to take to heart, however much it pains me.

 **PATTY:** You’ve been living with Wren?

 **JANET:** Yes, well. We all hit our low points.

_(Patty starts to say something, then stops herself. Janet crosses her arms.)_

**JANET:** You want to tell me not to be mean about Wren, but you know you can’t without coming off as a hypocrite.

 **PATTY:** Don’t do that.

 **JANET:** Do what?

 **PATTY:** Tell me what I’m thinking. I didn’t like it when we were married, and I don’t like it now.

 **JANET:** You didn’t like it because you knew I was right.

 **PATTY:** That’s not the point.

_(A beat of awkward silence. Patty sits.)_

**PATTY:** The boys are asleep, if that’s why you’re really here.

 **JANET:** It’s not. I – I do want to see them, but – I meant what I said. I’m here to talk to you.

_(Patty lets out a world-weary sigh and gestures to the seat across from her. Janet hesitates, then sits down cautiously._

_They sit there for a beat, staring at each other, neither sure what to say. Janet breaks eye contact first.)_

**JANET:** Riveting game you seem to have going here.

 **PATTY:** I was expecting Barry.

 **JANET:** Were you?

_(Patty looks down at her hands instead of responding. Janet hesitates again, then begins setting up a new game of mancala.)_

**PATTY:** I don’t know how to talk about this.

 **JANET:** (taking a deep breath) Okay. How about this: we take turns asking each other questions.

 **PATTY:** About what?

 **JANET:** Anything. Anything at all.

 **PATTY:** And what if we don’t have an answer?

 **JANET:** What if we don’t _want_ to answer, you mean. (finishing setting up) Then you have to answer, anyway. One question, one turn. And when the game’s over… when the game’s over, you can tell me to leave, and I won’t fight you.

 **PATTY:** I could tell you to leave now.

 **JANET:** You could.

_(They regard each other for a beat. Finally, Patty reaches toward the board and makes the first move._

_Writer’s note: while it is not imperative that the game play out like a realistic mancala board, a sample set of moves has been provided for the sake of accuracy, should this be desired.)_

**PATTY:** (moving A) Why did you attack that officer?

 **JANET:** Why has it taken you a year to ask that?

 **PATTY:** (tightly) It's not your turn.

 **JANET:** Fine. He was about to shoot into the crowd. They’d already gassed the protest, and I was lucky enough not to be in the way. I wasn’t letting them get away with any more than that. (moving E) Why did that scare you so much you were willing to take everything away from me?

 **PATTY:** I – you were a danger to the children. I couldn’t let that just slide, I – no, that’s all, that’s the reason.

_(Janet doesn’t seem to like or believe this, but Patty takes her next turn before Janet can protest, moving C.)_

**PATTY:** Why did you date Ramona?

 **JANET:** Because she’s an attractive young woman, and divorcee or not, I’d like to believe I’m still in my prime.

 **PATTY:** (frowning) Honest answers only, Janet.

 **JANET:** (cold) You first. (moving F) Why were you so dead set of making sure none of our friends talked to me? (a beat) Answer the question, Patty. Those are the rules of the game.

 **PATTY:** (quiet) I don’t think I like this game.

 **JANET:** Darling, I think a year’s a bit long to play and suddenly decide you don’t like it.

 **PATTY:** I never liked this, Janet, I never – I never wanted _any_ of this.

 **JANET:** Then why –

 **PATTY:** Because I was scared!

_(Patty claps a hand over her mouth and pauses to make sure she didn’t wake up the boys. Then she continues, quieter.)_

**PATTY:** I was – I was _scared_ , Janet, I was so scared. They told me you’d attacked that officer and – and all I could think was, god, what if I’d been there? They’d have shot me. They’d have killed me, and they’d have gotten away with it. And – and here you were, so set on playing some kind of hero or something, and –- (voice breaking) Do you know how weird it was for me, when I realized I’d never have to sit down and explain to our kids that, even if they’re in trouble, maybe they shouldn’t call the cops? The first time Ethan wore a hoodie into a convenience store I almost lost my _mind_ before I realized he could just do that, and no one would hassle him for it!

_(Patty’s posture is slowly drawing in on itself. Janet leans back as she talks, apparently not expecting any of this.)_

**PATTY:** And I – I wanted them to be able to keep that. Maybe it was selfish, maybe it was stupid, but – but I liked our bubble. I liked that we could live a perfect little life in our little suburb, that even as two women we could raise our family and it would be safe from the whole world. When you told me about that protest, I didn’t want you to go. I didn’t want Barry to go. I – I – I –-

 **JANET:** (gently) You didn’t want to let the world in.

_(Patty sniffs – maybe ‘sniffles’ is more accurate – then leans forward and takes her next turn, moving B.)_

**PATTY:** Why did you attack that police officer?

 **JANET:** You didn’t answer the last question.

 **PATTY:** (slowly and deliberately) Why did you attack that police officer?

 **JANET:** (after a beat) Because I wanted to feel like I was doing something. Because there I was, with so much privilege, even with being queer, and I wasn’t doing anything with it.

 **PATTY:** You were a defense attorney.

 **JANET:** I wasn’t doing anything immediate with it, then. I –- (hanging head) Fine. You’re right. I wanted to be the hero. I was impatient, and foolish –- (looking up to glare at Patty) -- and I thought I had a wife and family at home who would support me no matter the consequences.

 **PATTY:** Janet –-

_(Janet moves C, F, B, F, E, F, A, F, E in quick succession. Patty looks annoyed.)_

**JANET:** Why has it taken you a year to ask that question?

 **PATTY:** (tired) Same reason I did anything else. Fear, mostly. I was scared you’d changed everything, and I was scared that I was going to want to _let_ you change everything, and… I was scared I already knew the answer.

 **JANET:** Is that why you posed the ultimatum?

 **PATTY:** You had your question already.

 **JANET:** You didn’t answer the last one. (a beat) Why the ultimatum, Patty? Why make all our friends choose between the two of us?

 **PATTY:** So I wouldn’t have to think about you anymore. I mean, so I could try not to, anyway.

 **JANET:** What?

 **PATTY:** My turn (moving C) Why did you date Ramona?

 **JANET:** You already asked that.

 **PATTY:** Why did you date her _really_?

 **JANET:** (avoiding eye contact) Because she was the easiest way I could think of to get to see the boys again.

 **PATTY:** (somewhere between disgusted and sympathetic) Oh, Janet…

 **JANET:** (moving B) Would it have hurt so bad to think of me every once in a while? I wasn’t dead. It wasn’t my idea to get a divorce. I thought you wanted me gone.

 **PATTY:** (stubborn) I did. (relenting) I – I wanted to. I wanted to want you gone. I thought it was the right thing. But I… I think maybe I still loved you. Maybe I still do. And I didn’t want to have to think about it.

_(Janet looks startled. Patty avoids eye contact and takes her turn, moving F.)_

**PATTY:** Why did you come tonight?

 **JANET:** I wasn’t lying about that, Patty. Wren kicked me out after - after they talked some sense into me. And, well. If I had to get sense from Wren… (moving A) Why did you let me stay?

 **PATTY:** (deep breath) Because I miss you?

 **JANET:** You have a funny way of showing it.

 **PATTY:** I didn’t miss you. And then – then I saw you. And I did. Does that make sense?

_(Janet hesitates, then nods.)_

**PATTY:** I was supposed to have dinner with Ramona and Barry tonight. But – well, I don’t think either of them are talking to me right now. Well. Ramona might. But she shouldn’t. I – I don’t deserve it.

_(Janet starts to say something, then stops. Patty smiles ruefully.)_

**PATTY:** You want to tell me to stop being so self-pitying, but you know you’ll feel like a hypocrite.

 **JANET:** Now who’s telling who how she feels?

 **PATTY:** That’s a question. And it’s my turn. (moving E) What do you mean when you say Wren talked sense into you?

 **JANET:** I’d… rather not get into it. I’ve done some things I – well, I thought they were right at the time. I justified them at the time. I’m not too proud of them. The point… the point is that Wren forced me to confront the fact that most of what I was doing wasn’t really about getting justice, or what was for the best, or – or anything like that.

 **PATTY:** What was it about?

 **JANET:** (parroting) That’s a question. (moving F, E, F, A) What did you do to drive away Barry?

 **PATTY:** Who says it was my fault?

_(Janet raises an eyebrow.)_

**PATTY:** We – we fought. About you. I – he wanted me to tell him what happened at the trial, why I was so mad at you, and I – I couldn’t. (moving F, then D) What was it about? What you were doing.

 **JANET:** It was about you. Getting back at you. Or…

_(Janet hesitates. She doesn’t want to admit this.)_

**JANET:** Or getting back _to_ you. I don’t really know which. I haven’t been thinking ahead. I’ve been – I’ve been steeping in this, this _anger_ for so long now and I – I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.

 **PATTY:** (looking at the board) You’re about to win.

_(Janet moves F, then E, but doesn’t say anything.)_

**PATTY:** No question?

 **JANET:** (tired) This doesn’t feel like winning.

_(Patty moves F, then E, then sits back, thinking.)_

**PATTY:** You said Wren kicked you out?

 **JANET:** (nodding) Is that your question? Where I’m staying? They can’t technically keep me out, we’re both on the lease. But I was planning on getting a motel room for the night.

 **PATTY:** No, that wasn’t my question.

 **JANET:** (standing to leave) What, then?

 **PATTY:** (deep breath) Will you help me set up the guest room?

_(Curtains.)_


End file.
